Thursday, October 29, 2009

Why Do My Legs Ache When Im Sitting Down

blackout Part 9

I, Prinz Porno


I wish you luck whether or not I do not know
but just the thought
for me is simply awful
No Exit - Without you

It drizzles a little when I freshly showered, and come with hair still wet in my car. I look in the mirror and feel a bit like a human again. A few injuries have been me of course. The bump on my forehead seems to me golf ball great and my nose is swollen. I am also plagued repeatedly stabbing headache. I forget my broken tooth so long until I meet with the tongue against him.
It is 1:47 clock as I start the engine and turn on the taps. The radio, which spits out the tape that went over jumps back to the pre-classic-rock station. Lou Reed singing "Walk on the Wild Side" before the song dies away with the characteristic "doop, doo doo, doo doo, doop doo doo" and the saxophone solo.
During the drive I still struggle with vague memories of my dream. I'm trying obsessively on the larger context of the whole than to also remember the guy who the catcher was taken in the Rye. No chance, such as deleted.
My thoughts jump back and forth like the needle to a broken record. I wonder just what Tanya really now just wants to? I told her we could meet with her. I did not want her to see that I have not done in four months brought to collect correctly. What they might want from me? And why they sounded so very serious? I have no idea and would do really well as another to go to the hospital to apologize to me about the Chris Leppert and to collect completed, and the like, but I you could never refuse a request. I'm just but only a trained lap dog.
The radio host, as each of its unique genre listless, says some Guns 'n' Roses story and you begin "Knocking on Heaven's Door". Have corny to now. I prefer to listen on my tape, turn it around and press play.

When I arrived Tanja's apartment, I have to stay quiet once in the car. I turn on the interior lighting, pull down the hood, take a deep breath and look at myself in the mirror. I tie my braids again and note here that my hands tremble. When I lost me a lock of hair wiped away, I stroke the small white scar, which is right between my eyebrows.

"So, now you know where my scar is here, now I want to know where that came from there." She says, tapping her finger tip right between my eyebrows. "Well good because dus are. "Answer me this and I must exert strong not babble too much. "That was Leppert. No, really! We warn the lake, so zusammn all. We had bought a lot of these little five-liter kegs. And after the second or drittn, somebody had the brilliant idea to play football with it. So we have since put on the field and played football with NEM barrel. That was all still very well tutti, but we were just pretty well sealed. At some point, then, Leppert is running as a solo thing, even though it is day full Ster, throws down and makes NEN point. Touchdown. Whatever you want to call it. He lies there, next to me and clings tightly to the barrel. Is not easy on, is because more and more rum. Then I bow down myself and do it just hinhaltn my hand to help him up when he roared something, that thing will throw to Chris, who is behind me because Leppert is so full that he does not notice the rally is long gone . Did not work out the pass, the thing has thrown me full in the face. Of course, equally beautiful laceration. All have pushed the panic übelst and told me how bad this looks, and that I would have to be sewn in any case. Of course, was nonsense. When I arrived at the hospital total cancellation, have just stuck. Well, keep the scar I have. "In the course of the story she began to laugh and sieht mich jetzt schmunzelnd an. „Ihr seid ja ganz schöne Idioten. Selber schuld. Also tschuldige, aber das ist echt dämlich.“

Der Rest des Abends zieht schnell und zunehmend verschwommen an mir vorbei. Ich bin mittlerweile total voll, wie so oft von einem Moment auf den anderen und verliere die Kontrolle über mein Sprachzentrum und beginne ihr vorzubrabbeln wie sympathisch und hübsch sie ist. Ich meine, dass stimmt aber es ist dennoch alles andere als charmant wenn jemand der beim Pissen kaum noch das Klo trifft ihr das vorblubbert. Im Geiste bin ich noch ein wenig klar, nur leider nicht fähig das auf den Rest von mir zu transportieren. Alles was ich sage, hört sich vorher in meinem Kopf gut und interessant an, sobald ich es aber ausgesprochen habe kommt so was wie „ Deine Augen sind total groß“ dabei heraus. Ein großes Problem ist auch, dass sie eindeutig nüchterner ist als ich. Sie ist daran interessiert ein Gespräch aufzubauen, vielleicht eine richtige Diskussion, was weiß ich, aber ich bin zu nichts mehr zu gebrauchen. Sie beginnt über die Uhrzeit zu reden, darüber das es schon fast sechs sei und sie sich ein Taxi rufen müsse. Ich schlage ihr vor das sie bei mir pennen könne und dann morgen in aller Ruhe nachhause fahren könnte. Ich schaffe es noch, ihren misstrauischen Blick zu interpretieren und versichere ihr, dass ich in meinem Sessel penne und sie mein Bett haben kann. Sie lächelt wieder und willigt ein, unter Bedingung, dass wir morgen zusammen frühstücken und ich sie zum Bus bringe.
Wir bezahlen und gehen zu mir, beim Spaziergang schaffe ich es kaum die Spur zu halten und stoße immer wieder gegen sie. Sie lächelt nur, hakt sich bei mir unter um mich so zu stützen.
Wir sind bei mir, sie sagt sie geht ins Bad, ich setzte mich inklusive meiner Jacke in meinen Sessel und schlafe sofort ein.

Ich steige aus meinem Auto und gehe auf die Tür zu. Als ich auf den Taster für das Licht drücke, stehe ich noch einen Moment unter der Lampe mit den Klebeziffern 1 und 9 und sammele meine Gedanken, bevor ich mich traue den Klingelknopf zu betätigen.

Als ich die Treppen zu Tanjas Wohnung hochsteige, steht sie schon im Türrahmen. Im ganzen Haus ist es unheimlich still, man hört nur mein leichtes Atmen. Sie nickt mir mit einem traurigen aufgesetzten Lächeln zu und betritt ihre Wohnung. Ich säubere meine Schuhe mit Hilfe von Tweetys Gesicht auf einer Fußmatte und folge ihr. Als ich die Tür schließe sagt sie nur „Hi, setz dich schon mal ins Wohnzimmer, bin gleich da“. Ich überlege kurz ob ich die Schuhe ausziehen sollte, entscheide mich dann aber dagegen. Ich begebe mich in das liebevoll eingerichtete Wohnzimmer mit lauter Fotos von Freunden und sonstigem Nippes. Mit den Händen auf den Rücken, wie der Stereotype Museumsbesucher, nähere ich mich einer großen Glasvitrine in der Unmengen weiterer Fotos zu are found. Both neatly placed in picture frames, and to the back wall pinned or taped to the glass. I discover only a photo on which I'm seeing. No wonder I'm always guarantee all the photos out of the way gone, I hate the poses and made the patch that you are taking on such a smile. In the photo I am standing with a red face and a hand next to the mouth Leppert, who sits smoking in short pants on a table edge while a girl who's names I can not remember, kneeling before him with tweezers.

We are all at a party by a friend. Jessica is a teacher and a child quite a sweet girl, we do not know us but rather good, but it is quite nice. The house is just outside her family and in my eyes a palace. A huge winter garden, full of all sorts of plants and the rest of the house very modern. Her parents are now embarked on a weekend trip to Paris and there is Jessica with Chris in the same school, we've all somehow managed to the party.
Tanja is also, I've since our duo tour no longer seen. We were the next morning and I eat what they've promised to be related to the bus. Nevertheless, the morning was funny then, it was strange. I thought they were still gorgeous but she only curtly replied and told almost nothing by itself. We hugged and I've not dare to ask for her phone number. It is now three weeks ago and now I see it again.
It's Friday and I really Freitagssauferein avoid, exhausted from work and tired thanks to my usual six hours sleep, then I am very prone to embarrassing crashes. Today I'm really just here because I know that it will be here, but my motive is, of course, unknown. I have also never told that she has slept with me, only louder stupid questions would come to all of which I should have said "no" that would not be good for my ego.
The party is going pretty fast, I am draußen und leiste Leppert während dieser raucht Gesellschaft.
„Ich war gerade am Kühlschrank“ nach einer bedeutungsschwangeren Pause und einem weiteren Zug fährt er grinsend fort: „Bier ist genug da, aber Ben, da sind nur noch drei Flaschen Wodka, deswegen sollten wir as soon as possible uns davon mindestens eine Bunkern.“. „Bunkern ist aber immer ziemlich assi, hab nicht so den Drang mich hier jetzt großartig unbeliebt zu machen.“ Antworte ich vor allem in Hinblick auf Tanjas späteres erscheinen.
Nach einem darauf folgendem halbstündigem Diskurs (Tanja ist immer noch nicht erschienen und in mir keimt der Verdacht, dass sie das auch nicht mehr wird), in dem wir uns letztendlich could agree that the charge of bunkering we may not be made if we would only disappear with a bottle outside and they would empty relatively quickly, rather than to hide under our desk or similar, are Bollo, Leppert and I with a bottle Sprite and vodka in the garden of Jessica. I just get the bottles to look like the two before me, two times out of Sprite, and between one to drink from the vodka bottle. As a start I want, driving me on Leppert: "Are you totally stupid?". It tears me two bottles out of hand, she gets and gives it to me again. "It is left-right-left, not right-left-right.". "Where is the fucking difference? It's now probably does not matter how crappy rum I drink it. "I answer. "The difference is, the right-left-right makes no sense and it is traditional left-right-left to drink.". "Tradition", "Yes, it is ne Bundeswehrverarsche, left-right-left, since nothing is ringing?". "Yes, yes, yes, already understood."
We are facing a small garden pond which looks like in the dark, as it were filled with tar. The bottles circle and circle, always runs with two sips of vodka covered much down to my throat warm lemonade. I feel as if the liquor directly to explode in my head. After the beers have been drunk before already, it all developed into a highly dangerous mixture. I almost feel like I am intoxicated by drink to sip, but I see no way out of this circle. Finally, I just want to be drunk and if it goes faster now, so what?
When the two bottles are emptied, we enter three again the party. I am now quite drunk and Leppert and Bollo look not necessarily better. As we pass through the large glass door that leads back into the house, we see that the celebration was filled strong. Everywhere are sitting around and talking to small groups and encouraged to drink. In one corner of the living room even play a few people Meiern. The scenery is overshadowed by Eagle Eye Cherry's acoustic "Save Tonight".
We fight our way to drinking by young people and a lot of plants in the direction of the conservatory. We find Chris at a table with some other people and join them.
The evening is still ongoing. We sit silently in the corner of the conservatory, with no one noticed that, thanks to our vodka happening now should be the Tagensvollsten until Leppert gets up and staggers toward the bathroom. He staggers past a couple and manages to be entertaining it is difficult to keep his balance. As soon as he appears to have disappeared around the corner, Jessica. „Gehts eurem Freund gut? Ich mein, ich hab ein bisschen Angst, dass er hier was kaputt macht, also versehentlich.“, fragt sie Chris eindringlich. „Leppert? Wieso der ist doch topfit.“, antwortet er grinsend. Jessica setzt sich neben zu uns und beginnt ein paar Smalltalk-Gespräche, wie uns die Party so gefällt, ob wir wissen wer noch so kommt usw.
Ich lasse meinen Blick ein wenig wandern, und erblicke Leppert, welcher gerade aus der Richtung des Bads zurückkehrt. Das Pärchen steht immer noch an derselben Stelle und versperrt ihm leicht den Weg, er grinst mich debil an und versucht sich vorsichtig an einer Seite vorbeizudrücken.
Mit dem Rücken zu der Dame, quetscht er sich zwischen ihr und one and a half feet wide by cactus, when he suddenly loses his balance. In a reflex he clings to the plant and tear it down with a down on the floor.
The pot shatters into a thousand pieces and Leppert is a few seconds the cactus hugging on the floor before the onset of pain. Then he pushes away from the plant so violently that it slides all over the floor. Attracted by the clink of the flowerpot and the sound of my laughter, now see all of him while he jumps up screaming and limping on one leg to the next table. Now start other laugh, his right leg (he was wearing only khaki shorts), is covered with small spines on seinem T-Shirt und seinen Armen zeichnen sich überall kleine grünliche Punkte ab, welche man nur im richtigen Licht als Kakteennadeln identifizieren kann. Jessica ist irgendwann aufgesprungen und kommt nun mit Handfeger und Kehrblech zurück. Um das Unfallopfer scharen sich Kerle, welche ihn auslachen (inklusive mir) und ein Mädel, welche ihn Mitleidig anschaut und ihn bittet sich auf den Tisch zu setzten. Leppert der zwar noch Tränen in den Augen hat aber nicht mehr schreit wie am Spieß, greift fluchend in seine Hosentasche, findet seine Zigaretten und zündet sich eine an.
Als sich das Mädel vor ihn kniet, während sie eine Pinzette aus ihrer Handtasche kramt, ertönt von irgendwo aus der Menge (ich glaube es ist Bollo): "Now you're exaggerating but, Leppert tail is small but provides a pair of tweezers?". I cover my hand over her mouth, because I laugh so loud again have to turn me aside and see Chris smiling with a camera in hand.

The whole room is long for a wink bathed in a blinding bright light. I turn away from the glass display case, I'm sick. I sat trembling sounds easy on the sofa and cringe as the sound of thunder. The patter of the rain is getting louder and louder, the sound is the backdrop of a world destruction, the apocalypse.
me dizzy, I'm sitting there with his elbows on my knees, face in my hands and feel How do I start to sweat heavily. I hear the toilet flush and tear myself together. Wipe my face and concentrate. Slowly but surely sounds from the dizziness. I shake my head, causing sharp pain again and look to the door. Okay, as I'm ready to go.
Tanya comes clean. Your facial expression I can not really interpret. She sits beside me and looked at me like Magarethe Schreinemakers. To round out the absurd image is missing only her hand on my knee, combined with a haunting question.
"I do not know how to say the Benny. "She was always the only one who called me Benny, all others give just Ben and what this introduction, she wants some? "I need to talk to anyone and I know that it is unfair just to come to you, you just enough of their own shit in the neck." I grin just bitter. No they will not. "But you're the only stop I understand you have? I have enough friends, but I can only really talk with you, that is about serious things, important things. "A bad feeling is spreading in my stomach. The dizziness returned and I try not to let on to me. "I fought for days in order to call you but I really trusted me until just now, maybe because we've already seen. I because again noticed that you always said you'd be there for me, even though we are not a couple anymore. "Her eyes are glassy and wet, I look between my knees on the floor. Such a bitch. Dirty little cunt. I do not know what they want, but I can guess which way it goes. "And I just need to talk with anyone about it, you know? Do you understand? I will not hurt or anything, but to whom shall I do, I'm scared "In" should be "her voice breaks and the rest is just whining whining. I clench my fist and hit it so hard it hurts. "How do you say that? That's not a TV series here. "" On besten einfach so wie es ist.“ Flüstere ich kaum hörbar. Sie atmet tief durch und ich auch. Ich spann alles in mir an, wie so ein Shaolin seine Bauchmuskeln, bevor darauf ein Bambusstock zertrümmert wird. „Ich, ach kann man das nicht anders sagen? Das klingt dann doch wie in einer Fernsehserie.“ - „Ich bin schwanger.“

Mein Kopf ist leer, da ist gar nichts, kein Gedanke, keine Assoziation. Nur der eben gehörte Satz hallt noch nach. Alles was ich eben noch gedanklich angespannt habe, wurde zerstäubt in Millionen von Teilchen.
Sie interpretiert meinen Gesichtsausdruck so falsch wie es nur geht.
„Keine Angst, du hast damit nichts zu tun. Dann hätte ich ja schon ein real tummy. Could those in charge do not even know. "She says with a nervous smile.
one thousand insults for this selfish bitch before I race through my head, pictures of heated hangers, high steps, nothing else. My migraines, dizziness and nausea that are back .. In my head I hear Prinz Porno, a German rapper I've heard in my punk era a bit, which is mixed with my thoughts.
"Now you have what you want ... Bitch"
How dare they? Infinite rage filled me.
"... you want to hear I cry ?..."
What gives her the right just now with such a shit to come.
"look ... or how I exaggerate nails in the eyes ?..."
I feel like my nails digging lightly into the skin of my palm.
".. for I was so blind ..." -
"Hey, something you have to say. The best just what you're thinking, honestly? ".
"I pray you get children who die at birth and the brats are disabled."
I hear myself say that. Completely sound and emotion, not like a rap song, not like a poem, as if I were remotely controlled. Simple word for word, take in a reasonable, uniform pace without getting my eyes off my feet. Clear thinking, I still have not. I get up and leave the house without looking at them again, you hear only the rattle of heavy rain, it does not say a word.
first out, I think I actually did exactly what they asked me.

To be continued ...


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