Monday, October 12, 2009

Swollen Hands,fingers, Face/lack Of Sleep

blackout Part 7 b)

Fortsetzung des Kapitels 7 "Schorf"

Nachdem sich alle verabschiedet hatten und ich einige noch lächelnd als Pussys und Memmen bezeichnet hatte, bin ich mit Tanja allein. Die Situation ist mir unangenehm. Ich kenne sie kaum und spüre das nahende Desaster des peinlichen Schweigens. Lange kann das hier nicht gut gehen.
„Und was machen wir jetzt? Hier noch was trinken oder weiter ziehen?“ fragt sie mich lächelnd. Dieses Lächeln ist anders, es ist kein Grease grinsen, es ist ein ehrliches Lächeln. I do not know exactly what happened, but I actually think she is much better mood now than before. She looks incredible from attractive, with the sincere smile, but the thought of better times I push very far away.
"Well, I'm concerned, we can still drink one and continue the tour as a duo," I answer supposedly loose.
When we drank the beer, we make our way. We chat a bit and I give myself as honestly as necessary and as sympathetic as possible.
This implies not even necessarily that I am lying. It's more of a mitigating or emphasizing certain points, opinions and character traits. I realize how much my mind is that she likes me. As she told me how obnoxious she finds Jasmine since they returned from America, I wonder where this comes from extreme sympathy I have for this girl. It has to do something to definitely talk with their kind. I mean, is pretty, no question, but I found it really interesting from the moment at which I began to converse with her.
repeatedly moved my gaze to her face, she told me she knows Chris and the others but not me if I would go to high school, what I would do instead. I tell her about my training in the shabby Workshop and analyzed still wondering what so great as she speaks. While talking with her, you get the feeling that she is honest to one hundred percent natural and incredibly easy to say what she thinks.
It looks like the opposite of me, instead of turning every sentence before he speaks and to contact and to be clear about every word and their different levels of meaning, to be already prepared advance to any possible misunderstanding, it seems just start talking without any shame, without fear to say anything stupid or silly, and it also does not do.
It turns out that it is only just turned sixteen. My enthusiasm for this person grows, as as my respect. It is almost two years younger than me and I was her age is not nearly so serene, alert and intelligent and I get the feeling I am now not yet. A little depressed by the knowledge that I have the amazing girl next to me probably nothing to offer and there would be no reason for them in me more than a drinking buddies to see, I participate actively in the conversation again, so as not to drown in my passion (although it is already too late for that). Take me to other thoughts, I listen with one ear again Walkman ...

"And I swear it's the last time and I swear it's my last try, and we'll walk in circles around this whole block. Walk on the cracks on the same old sidewalks and we'll talk about leaving town. Yeah we'll talk about leaving "Less Than Jake sound from the standard front speakers of my Fiat, while I start the engine and exiting. Driving like to just consumed not be the best idea, but I do not have any choice if I want to come home. I drive past the apartment of my mother about it, but not a second whether I should continue. I pass well to the house Palweißer, then on the highway to my new apartment, which is a little outside. My home town to leave completely, let alone the state ist mir nie wirklich gelungen.

Mittlerweile sind Tanja und ich ziemlich voll. Wir hocken in einer meiner Stammkneipen, einem Irish Pub, haben jeder einen Tequila und einen Jägermeister sowie ein großes Bier vor uns stehen. In der Kneipe gibt es die so genannten „Fensterplätze“, eine Reihe von jeweils einem Tisch und zwei Bänken. Wir sitzen uns an einem dieser Tische gegenüber. Ich erzähle ihr lauter lustige Geschichten, Gerüchte und ähnliches.
Nicht zwingend um mich beliebt zu machen, mehr um sie Lachen zu sehen. Mittlerweile bin ich, auch aufgrund meines Alkoholkonsums, fest davon überzeugt schrecklich in sie verliebt zu sein. Ich bin schwer begeistert von ihrem Lächeln und ihrem Laugh (only from the honest, the Grease-me smile seems to stick and played dolls), perhaps because it treats so frugal than many women I knew before. As they stand up now and go to the bathroom grab me the first lower appetites.
I see her legs, her butt and had just nowhere better than with it here. I drink soon after my Jagermeister and tequila, I just struggle with the gag reflex, but it creates just me quickly to get two new before it is returned from the toilet. The perfect crime.
Now Something happened that I do not deal with it. She sits beside me.
We were sitting opposite us for an hour und ich kam super mit der Situation klar. Nun stellt sie sich neben die Bank auf der ich sitze und wartet darauf, dass ich weiter reinrutsche und ihr Platz mache. Zwei Leute sitzen sich immer gegenüber, wenn die Möglichkeit besteht, außer sie sind ein Paar und das sind wir auf keinen Fall, also was soll das? Mit einem leichten Unbehagen rutsche ich so nah an die Scheibe wie möglich. Sie setzt sich neben mich und zieht ihre Getränke zu sich ran. Ich sehe im Augenwinkel, dass sie mich anschaut, starre aber weiter auf mein Glas, da diese neue Konstellation mich mehr als nur überfordert.
„Dreh dich mal um bitte.“ Sagt sie und ich versteh überhaupt nicht, was das jetzt soll. Ich beginne leicht zu zittern und drehe mich to her, a moment looking into his eyes and then her face through it, while I fix an imaginary point behind her. "No," she says with a smile "I mean to the window." Still confused, I turn to the window and look out onto the pedestrian zone and opposite to the CD store. She grabs me gently played with a irritated groan and turns toward me so she can see my back. "Oh, this is Pennywise." Gets them out and only then did I understand.
I wear a hoodie that shows in the front only a hooded anarchists, who in a speech bubble "Fuck Authority" yells the name of the album and only
back is the band name. "I like Pennywise, especially Straight Ahead." I think she started the conversation about Pennywise, because she realized how uncomfortable I felt and I take the offer with thanks.
We talk about the pros and cons of the album and then I show her on my Walkman, the single release of Fuck Authority. Only when the song is over, I realize how cheesy that is that we are sitting here side by side and share the earphones. This is the modern counterpart to the milkshake with two straws or the Lady and the Tramp spaghetti.
Nevertheless I like it, despite everything, discomfort, because of my own helplessness, sitting as close to her. As I stare at while listening to the beginning of the next song, I discover a small scar on her chin point. "Where does the little scar?" I asked cautiously, hoping that it does not sound rude, and above all, because I really care.

I find again and that it therefore no sensible parking my car barely five minutes walk far away from my new apartment. The brief meeting with Tanya, has torn up the old wounds would have been much stronger than I thought. Me since then is no longer the head. But before I can again sink into self-pity as I would have achieved this because the relationship destroy etc. I reach the door. Until four months ago, I lived with her, we were even married. Only two years, but still. I sip past boxes of books which I have still not unpacked and will not support me in my chair. After brief reflection I get back and get a glass bottle full of milk from the refrigerator. While I enjoy the cold milk, I still think of her. Because it is not a bad person, she was always honest with me, has not before me the little money that I deserve to go out of his pocket and we have removed our belongings together purchased fair. This whole separation was no yelling, dispute or mud from statten. Im Nachhinein glaube ich, war genau dies das Problem. Ich höre mich in einem Selbstgespräch (die führe ich seit unserer Trennung immer öfter) sagen: „Die Vergangenheit ist vorbei. Das weiß ich. Die Zukunft, ist noch nicht hier, wie sie auch sein wird. Also, ist alles was es gibt, dass hier. Die Gegenwart. Das ist alles.“. ein Zitat aus Broken Flowers, einem meiner Lieblingsfilme, nur leider bin ich so weit weg von Bill Murray wie nur irgend möglich. Bill Murray flennt auch nicht, wenn er an seine Exfreundin denkt und lacht nicht auf der Beerdigung seines Freundes.

Fortsetzung folgt...


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